Have you ever had somebody point out your flaws constantly whether it be your parent, sibling, friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, or husband/wife? That relationship got burdensome and you no longer enjoyed hanging around them; did you? You might be on the receiving end, or maybe you're on the giving end; but I bet that if you think you're the one on the receiving end then you've been on the giving end at least once. Have you ever had someone give you advice that you were so glad that you listened to it? Their words were refreshing to your ears and made you want to be around them more because you knew they cared about you and your well-being as a Christian. You see, there are two types of critics: destructive and constructive. I see so much confusion about this, especially in the Christian "world" in which we should be seeing less of it. Therefore, I would like to shed light on what it looks like to give both.
Destructive criticism comes off as controlling. The receiving end will feel condemned and as if they can't do anything right. I'm not going to point out anyone in particular here except for myself. My first "serious" relationship in my teenage years I would constantly point out things he was or wasn't doing (whether they were sinful or just because I didn't like whatever it was that he did). I would start arguments unintentionally because I was frustrated and didn't know how to express how I was feeling. This was a result of unrighteously judging what he was doing and what other girls around him were doing, even if I was doing the same thing. It was as if spending so many years internalizing things made it all explode at once causing an even bigger mess than it would have if I had dealt with it right away, in the correct manner, no matter how painful it was. (Matthew 7:1-5 - "Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgement you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.")
Constructive criticism comes off as caring. The receiving end will feel convicted and encouraged to do what's right. This past Christmas I was in a situation where I just wanted to help a certain person. I had asked my daddy if I could invite them over for dinner, but then he asked me some questions about the circumstances and the person. After gaining an understanding, he told me gently that I can't trust everybody and though I just want to help people, some will try to take advantage of that. I knew that he cared for me and that he genuinely didn't want to see me get hurt so I listened. A month later I found out that his words rang true. I had made extremely careless decisions back then and I was grateful for that accountability. (Matthew 18:15-17 - "Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained a brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that 'by mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he refuses to hear them tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be like to you a heathen and a tax collector.")
Though I didn't sin against my daddy, he still gave me constructive criticism based on my background. He is somebody who knows my heart, know my personality, and somebody who knows me. It's like our relationship with our Heavenly Father. He already knows us from the inside out, and we know as Christians, that God protects us and is for us. We know we truly have a relationship with God and trust Him when is commands look more like love than like rules to us. When we address Him by bringing our problems and flaws to Him we can always count on righteous judgement and on the right advice. It can be another story when it comes to people. We should always discern the intentions behind conversations and questions. Authentication? Bombination? Condemnation? Conviction? Pretension? Reconciliation? We need to keep in mind that the important thing is not that we are more willing to defend "men and women of God", including ourselves, because we're not perfect. The important thing is that we defend God (Jesus) at all costs, even though He doesn't need defending, but who we stick of for first is ultimately a reflection of who we're really trusting in to change us - ourselves, others, or the One true living God?
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