Purified

Beautiful Bride

By: Elaina Grace Morgan

Tattered and broken,
Dirty and torn,
Crying and weeping, she shed the dress she had once worn.
She had come so far, so far from her past,
far from the lusts she knew wouldn't last.
Searching and hurting,
Lost and weak.
She had no idea what she had seeked.
Was it love, was it care?
Was it happiness? Cheer?
It was deliverance from all of her fear.
The fear of confession,
She was impure.
Fear of depression which she was uncured.
Her questions were answered after all of these years.
Down on her knees,
Emotions up and down like waves in the sea.
There she knelt.
There she had confessed all that she had felt.
"Forgive me for I have sinned," she cried.
"Fear not my love. Your tears I have dried," came the reply.
"Here is something beautiful and new."
A deep breath in she had once drew.
It was the prettiest sight, relief from this fight.
A dress the brightest of whites.
Prettier than couture.
It was purity,
A prettier picture.

Understood

    I woke up this morning feeling weary. I wasn't sure why, but I felt there was a war being fought for my soul. I may sound crazy and fact is I don't care. I know there is something in store for my life and it might not be right around my corner, but it is around God's corner. Emotions are very realistic to the person who feels them. For a while I hated emotion. I wanted to do all that I could to numb things for a while. I am glad to say that I don't mind emotion now after being rescued from a place where I felt numb every day for several months in a row. Whether my heart feels heavy or whether it feels light I am relieved that I don't have to live through my life with no recollection of ever being the places I've been. You see, when I was numb to the things of this world I could go several months without knowing what I had been going through, where I had gone, or why I felt the way I did. It was as if I wasn't living. It was as if I wasn't aware of anything and all because of traumatic events that went on in my life. I couldn't understand why and I didn't want to try. It was too much of a burden for me to carry.

    It was too heavy of a burden for me to carry. As I went on with my life, even though I felt disengaged from it all, nothing and no one was helping. In fact, people often made things worse rather than better when they don't know what they are talking about. People would give me advice when they didn't know the whole story which made their advice useless and in other situations it would only make things worse. Needless to say this happens to many Christians. A tragedy will happen in someone's life and we think it is our right to tell them it's going to start a revival in the church or whatever other comments we come up with. When this happens the person only feels belittled. It often makes them think people are blowing off how a horrible occurence made them feel. It only dehumanizes them! Revivals come and they go. If that was how God worked then we'd all be going through hell on earth. God isn't a petty God.

    He has His own reasons for things that we go through. We think up the smallest reasons that He could have allowed something to happen when really His plan is SO much greater than we could imagine. We have to accept that we aren't always going to know the "why?" When we question God's doings aren't we just showing our lack of faith in Him? None of us can think up a reason for what God does better than He can and as Christians it is not our place to try to give explanation and what about when we tell others we will be praying for them when they are in time of need? Praying is nice and all, but again is that all we should be doing? "Oh, I'll pray for you and you'll be fine eventually." No, praying is great, but we should also be attentive to their needs. It is okay for people to be angry and upset for a time and everyone needs to express their emotion so they can be rid of it. Holding on to it, shoving it inside our hearts deeper and deeper, and ignoring it only causes problems for us. Instead we should listen to those who are going through heartache. Let them say whatever needs to be said without condemning them for it.

    Don't try to carry them through it when God is the only one who can. Instead walk beside them and give them comfort where comfort is needed. It is their choice to accept the inevitable and to hold on a little bit longer. I encourage those of you who are going through tough times to keep holding on. You may not understand why, but once you understand that you can't understand how big God is and that you can't fathom His omnipotence your life will be changed. You will no longer wallow in the things you cannot change. Your faith will be strengthened as you get back to your knees because only we can be the ones to choose that faith for out lives. We have to prepare ourselves for those times. We have to mentally decide that when we enter into a time of grief that we will not let it break us. We have to let it make us stronger and we have to understand that we aren't always going to undestand.

Passionate

Here is a little poem I wrote today off the top of my head. Nothing fancy, not too insightful, but something that was placed on my heart coming from a dark place where I had recently been delivered from:

Passion

Elaina Grace Morgan

My passion is back.

It's back on track.

Hoping in things holy and pure.

God is my medicine.

God's my cure.

Trusting in things righteous and good.

I've tried everything I ever could.

Everytime I fall back to my knees,

"Father," I'll call,

"You take the lead."

When temptation comes crawling

I'll run away.

Speaking to God, "You are the way."

Hoping in God and God alone.

It is only in God that I have grown.

"Keep me in Your perfect peace as all my ways start to decrease,"

I say, "Again my God, you are the only way."

Who Are You?

    Anything that is a part of your life is something that can define you in one way or another. Your family, friends, the music you listen to, the people you look up to, who you put your trust in - it can all define you in one way or another whether it defines your present, past, or future. Events in your life can give reason to why you think the way you do, are the way you are, and do the things you do. If you made a mistake in the past it can change the way you approach a similar situation in the present or future. Right? This is some pretty simple stuff, but perhaps seeing it written out can help you learn something you might have not realized before. Sometimes I can be thinking about something and somehow when I write it out everything makes a little more sense. When I write out what I believe it's easier to follow my thought process rather than to have it all scattered around somewhere in my brain.

    What I believe is something that defines me. I know the msitakes I've made. I know the problems I've faced. I know the things that hurt me. However, none of that defines who I am. What defines me, and you, is how we handle all that is thrown at us. I can regret and reminisce on all the mistakes I've made, but what good does that do? It only hurts to know what I've done and when I meditate on it day and night I am only putting myself down. My heart sinks, my thinking gets skewed, and I get depressed knowing that I can't change my past. It has taken me so long to get to where I am with thinking optimistically. It has yet to be mastered, but when an action is taken and repeated over time it becomes habit.

    Habits can be dangerous and I know I've developed negative ones in the past. It takes just as much work to break a habit than to make one so be careful when deciding which ones are worth it and which ones you can throw out your back window. Be wise. My point is very short and simple. Who do you want to be? We have the ability to change the direction of our lives at any given moment. When facing a life changing problem are you going to choose the easy route or the one you know is right even though you may be judged for it? What path are you going to take? Will you choose the path taken by your family and friends just because you feel pressured to? If that is the case then you aren't choosing your path. You are choosing someone else's path for your life. Don't let the voice of other people's opinions drown out the truth.

    Where your family and friends are going may not be a bad path, but you have to make sure you make it your own. Don't go somewhere because your parents tell you to or even because your friends are going there. Go because you know that is what God has for you. When you find who you are in Christ that is when His plans for your life will grow more evident. I'm not saying to disobey your mother and father and choose a rebellious path, but there are some things that you are able to choose as you get older. They can point you in the right direction, but you ultimately choose or they can point you in the wrong direction and again ultimately you are the one who is choosing the life you are going to live. With bad choices comes consequences and with good choices comes blessings, point blank.

    When you choose to follow God your identity will be found in Him. You won't need others to keep you happy and look at it this way: God never leaves you so you're identity will never be faltered. When you put your identity in people or things then it isn't your identity if you are someone different than you are without that person or thing. People leave and things break and wear out. When those things are gone what will you do? I've done this so much in my life and now I am making things right. I know who I am. I know who I am in God. I will not reach my fullest potential until I strive every day to fashion myself as a "little Christ." It takes constant prayer and strength to win the battle and all I can do is fight my hardest and trust in the only one who can be trusted.

Who is God?

    In my last post I mentioned some of the things I've gone through without much detail for several apparent reasons. I didn't write about my brokenness to be sympathized for, nor did I write it to show you that what I had been through was what made me who I am today. No, it wasn't what I went through that made me who I am today. It was what I did with it. I sacrificed it all. I gave up all the things that gave me momentary happiness so that I could get to know who God is better so that I could experience true happiness. Honestly that's the only reason why I wanted God.

    It was then that I realized that life won't always be joyful whether you believe in God or not, whether you believe in a different God or the one who I call savior, or even whether you feel like you deserve happiness or not. As I'm writing to you now I am not ashamed to tell you that I am not happy. I'm not satisfied, but I recall a time when I was. I was broken just like I am now. I couldn't feel Him just like I can't at this very moment. However, I know He is there. I know He is because as I look back to every time I fell to my knees begging to feel a little bit of His presence I have felt it. I didn't always feel it in the moment.

    Sometimes I'd have to wait months before I saw the work evident in my life. It took enduring all the hardships I faced, big and small. It took faith and believing in the things unseen. God doesn't leave you out to dry. He works according to His own timetable, not ours. Society teaches us to demand what we want and to demand that we want it NOW! That reminds me of that one annoying commercial where person after person shouts, "I want my money and I want it now!" How annoying would it be if we constantly demanded things from God and told Him what to do? Maybe God has a different plan for you or maybe His plan for you is to wait. A dear friend reminded me of a song that I listen to when I've just about had it and when my patience gets thin. I'm going to post the song below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yo7z26NqWWA

    God doesn't make you wait so you get annoyed. He's not cruel. He isn't the cause of your problems; although He does let you go through the things you do so you'll grow and learn things you wouldn't have if you had a perfect life. If life went smoothly we wouldn't need to have faith in God to pull us through it which would take away our reliance on God. If we don't need to rely on God then we don't need Him. We may wonder why God lets others say hurtful things to us, but He isn't the one saying those things. People are people and when it comes to careless people hurting you whether they say they are Christians or not we have to keep one thing in mind. In Luke 23:34 Jesus says, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." The guy who told you that you needed to wear more make-up and go tanning didn't realize who he acting like. God made you in His own image. What we may view as imperfections he views as perfection. He made everyone the way He had in mind. He didn't mess up your skin color or facial features.

    God loves you just the way you are. He loves you despite what others say and will continue to love you no matter what you look like, no matter what mistakes you make, and no matter what you do. God doesn't just show love; he is love. As Christians we are supposed to shape ourselves after Him and lead pure lives. When we treat others other than what God would have treated them like  then we are giving God a bad name. God, being love, is also shaped after all the things that love is as stated in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

    Love never fails. God is love. Therefore, God never fails. I want you to replace the word love in those verses and put God in its place. We are supposed to shape ourselves after God. So we are supposed to be patient and kind. We are supposed to shape ourselves after the characteristics in those verses. Sometimes we don't understand who God is completely. He is a mystery that we'll never be able to comprehend. We won't be able to fathom His omnipotence and understand His ways. If we were able to understand it all then God wouldn't be as big as we say He is. We have to understand that sometimes we won't understand it all. If you're anything like me I have such a hard time with that. It frustrates me when I can't wrap my hands around something and that is when I have had to learn to have faith in the One who knows everything, the One who has a picture in mind, the One who can fit all the senseless little pieces into a masterpiece.

To be continued...

Who Am I?

    It seems that as we grow older we start to realize that everyone is trying to figure out who they are and how to be who they have the desire to be. We see those around us doing certain things and we can just as easily pick those things up as we learn from observing them. We learn how to play basketball and soon we pick it up. We learn to do certain things in relationships and next thing we know we are running our relationships that way. If we only observe how to do something one way and don't learn other ways of doing it then we'll never find out which way is the best way for us to do something. I have a feeling this is going to be a long entry so we may just split this up into two or maybe even three separate posts depending on how long this really gets. 

    I'm going to start next with telling you a little bit about where I come from, giving you some of my background so that you understand more of who I am. While you read this I encourage you to ponder on who you are or if you feel like you have even found yourself yet. If you come up with ten words to describe yourself great, but it doesn't take words alone to really know who you are. If you feel as if you know who you are and you're proud of that, again great. Everyone however has time to improve themselves. I also want you to think about what kind of person you want to become. While you read this try your best to think of ways to reach who you want to be and things to change in order to get there.

    I grew up in the church and I never really got what the hype was about. Being little I understood as best as a three or four year old could. I was like every other little girl. I liked to play house, I liked to play with dolls, and I liked to even play with hot-wheels when my younger brother would join me. As I grew older things started to change. I began to feel emotion more in depth. What I mean is not like the anger you'd feel when your brother broke your favorite toy, but an anger within because I had to leave my friends that I had all through elementary to go to a new school. Anger turned to bitterness as more and more things happened that I never asked for. I didn't ask to be belittled. I didn't ask to be broken. I didn't ask to be judged. Not too long after these things happened did I start to view Christians as judgmental jerks who would jab me with their lofty glances like it was their job. 

    Unfortunately years later I realized that that logic was tainted. I couldn't group Christians into a single category when four or five of them wronged me out of however many there are. It's like saying because I was attacked by four or five dogs that it concludes that all dogs are mean. We know that to not be true. Sadly it took me years to get over the bitterness I felt inside when what I felt were tragedies at the time kept happening. I looked to everything I felt momentary happiness with, mostly people. Then because those people hurt me I began to look at other things that would take away the pain. I didn't care how long it would last: a minute, ten minutes, an hour? I just wanted the pain to subside even if it was just enough time to take a single breath. Well those things didn't end up taking my breath away. They took my spirit. It was a slow fade.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QASREBVDsLk&ob=av2e

    After I had gone back to God for a time I had another relapse of all that I had put behind me once something in my life happened that I had never expected to. Those who were supposed to be close to me had hurt me more than they ever had before. It seemed that once I had dealt with past circumstances regarding these things that they just reached back up out of the deep, dark pit that they were in grabbing my ankles and pulling me back to where I was just delivered from. I can't even describe the reality of the dark emotions I felt for months after. Feeling rejected when those people are meant to accept you feels like lack of love. After months and months of ignoring the matter as best as I could so the hurt wouldn't surface I continued in the ways that were familiar to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fH5w6dcC2dw

    As time went on I went in and out of spiritual "moments" with God like we breathe in and out. I would be so close to Him one moment and before I knew it I felt so far from His the next. God had been using me through this time, yet they weren't all sunny days. I knew how to help others, but didn't know how to help myself. I began to numb the pain by pushing it deep down inside me. One day it snapped. It was like a vase that I kept filling with dirty water that represented the pain I was trying to endure: pain from family, pain from friends, pain from decisions I had made and then one day it overflowed. All cordiality I had went out the door and the one who had been closest to me at the time was drowned in it. That's when anxiety took over who I wanted to be. I couldn't rest my weary soul. The pace of my heartbeat only seemed to quicken even more and more as I thought about it. I was searching for God, but couldn't feel Him. I didn't think about how God still works when we don't feel Him. I just wanted peace for my anxious heart.

    I got peace from another source. A source that wasn't helping my well being, but feeding my fear. I numbed myself to feeling all other activities I was pursuing so that other feelings wouldn't be an issue. After going through a terrible night of excess and a terrible day after I was relieved to be let go for a time, but it only lasted a week. A week of reading my Bible and being close to God once again. Then sin came crawling back and there I had gone with another relapse. It took me being "kicked to the curb" to bring me to where I was supposed to be. I had made some pretty filthy decisions, yet God still wanted me. I wouldn't say that I came back to God. I was literally dragged back to Him not by choice. In that time all I wanted to do is understand. I just wanted to know why this happened and I asked anyone except God, but once I turned back I have began to learn that with God you'll never understand it all. God showed me through my hurt that I am not my accusers. I am not my pain. I am not even my car. I am not my job. I am not the place I live, but I am God's and without Him I am nothing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FA8UNaGKRhY

To be continued...

Updates: 2012

Updates for 2012:


    First I want to say thank you for those who have been following along in reading my posts with me. I'm going to try to make this a little bit more into a diary. Don't worry it will not revolve around me although I am going to begin writing from a perspective where you will get a better idea of who I am and where I come from. The God-given words won't stop. I will still write what is on my mind regarding what I face.


    Feel free to leave any comments regarding this change and if you have any questions feel free to post those as well. Any private questions or comments are also welcome to be sent to my e-mail: elaina.morgan21@gmail.com


Thank you guys again for taking the time to read my posts:)
Elaina Grace