Disclaimer: If you want your church to stand out do NOT follow these because you JUST might cause an epidemic in the normality of MANY churches today.
1. When you get a little sniff of someone who smells like smoke give them a dirty look and plug your nose like they passed some really bad gas and say, "Excuse you." If you are feeling extra brave march up to them and tell them they don't belong here and then suggest they come to the church bonfire so they will fit in better with everyone else.
2. When someone smells like B.O. and then gets up the nerve to raise their hands during worship scoot away as inconspicuously as you can. If that is not possible to do at the moment then raise your hands like a good church kid, do the "car wash", and imagine that you're wiping all their sins away because obviously Jesus forgot to take care of something.
3. When the pastor introduces you to someone and asks you to sit with them then make sure you obey or you just might go to hell, but make sure you get another friend to sit on the other side of you so you aren't completely tied down. Make a few comments to the newbie then rotate your body gradually so that you end up facing your friend and pretend you are having an important, "godly" conversation about what you are going to wear to the youth conference so that you are able to scout out cute, christian singles while looking "Christ-like."
4. When you realize you've fallen asleep in church belt out a casual "Amen!" or "Hallelujah!" so that everyone thinks you're holy. Just make sure you don't let out an amen when the sermon is about sex.
5. If someone is singing off tune start to sing louder than them even if it does turn out like the competitions on "The Voice." You wouldn't want anyone around them to be distracted by their lack of angelic praise.
6. When someone brings a tambourine run as fast as you can to the church resource center or even the church book store to get one for yourself so you can make sure that they stay on a righteous beat.
7. If someone accidentally lets out a cuss word then suggest (or pressure them depending on how bad the cuss word was) to get baptized right after service. If the church isn't holding baptism on that day then drive them over to your house after with haste and dunk them repeatedly in the bathtub and possibly rinse their mouth out with soap.
8. If the newbie that came to church that morning is extra cute and "Boaz" material then glance at his left hand to make sure he is not married. If he is blessed to be single then quickly find where he is sitting and place your stuff there. Once offering comes around after the service get out your checkbook and tilt it towards him casually so he can glance at how much you are going to give. If you want to impress him then consider going triple digits and if you want to make him your husband without a doubt then quadruple digits is a must.
9. Go up every Sunday when the pastor is giving an alter call. You want to make sure your sins from that week are forgiven. You also want to make sure you lift your left hand when responding so that when you walk down the aisle to the front looking over the crowd you'll come eye to eye with any prospects.
10. You go to the singles ministry luncheon flirtatiously eating grapes like Delilah so your Samson will grow weak at the knees.
11. When the very first thing you pray about matches the lyrics to "Raining Men" by Rihanna.
Our sole purpose is to live for Christ, love others, and accept them. This was meant for joking around about some things we see or get caught up in and others that are just ridiculously funny. This has been SO fun to write.
To be continued...
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